things, yep [08 Dec 2004|03:25pm] No, I'm not dead. I'm just studying so much lately. Besides, I started using my myspace.com profile more often now. That's pretty much it for now. I hike more often now with Doug so if anyone elseis up for it, contact me: sn:not giving it out online; email me for it at jesslbal@yahoo.com I still go on as ispfemme but that's rare. I'll try and update this thing more often when the excitement of my mundane life dwindles a bit. later post comment

[31 Oct 2004|04:22pm] I've been climbing atleast once a week now so if anyone is interested in coming with me, send me an email and I'll send you my screenname. later. 1 comment|post comment

I'm a jerk.. [29 Aug 2004|02:10am] and here's another reason. This was said to my Indian friend today:: ispfemme: fine ispfemme: then come back ispfemme: i may be up for cross breeding Whatever Benson, you love it. post comment

Friday [29 Aug 2004|01:23am] I was out on calls just repairing systems in the business building up here at Uconn when I had to run up to the Dean's office since his printer was shot. When I got there, I narrowed it down in a few minutes and figured out it was only the toner. After I had changed it and held a good conversation with him, I started to box up the old toner when I noticed a small spot of red on the beautiful finish of his desk. I hesitated, dreading the situation. The day before I got a small cut from a box I was breaking down since we unpacked about 400 laptops for distribution. The cut had seemed fine the next day so I didn't throw another bandaid on. Big mistake that day. I lifted my hand and saw blood on my fingers and part of my palm. My first instinct was to wipe up the blood with my sleeve but I didn't have long sleeves on so I just lifted my hand into his view and wimpered, "I'M SORRY!" and watched his face go from pleased with the job to indifferent/somewhat shocked. Then I just asked for tissues and he showed me to his private bathroom. I washed off the blood and grabbed more paper towels to clean up the blood from his desk before he could notice. Of course I hurried back, didnt take care of my small wound first, and started mopping up the little drops of blood on his desk. Of course I MADE IT WORSE at first and eventually I cleaned it all. I felt awful. Not a big deal, but I'd like to make a good impression on ANY Dean and that just ruined my chance of that. By the time I got back to the office it was hardly bleeding. Today it's completely healed. I hate irony, especially when there's a visible scar on my ear from my bday. Music:: Oasis - Gas Panic post comment

[29 Aug 2004|01:11am] I should make a checklist with things I want in a guy. Let me start: 1. He should not be 100% self-centered. the end, so far. post comment

I know... [13 Jul 2004|05:04pm] that I'm a pretty determined person, but I think I'm starting to give up on you. Music:: Frou Frou - Flicks post comment

why i rule [28 Jun 2004|07:02pm] B Eavi OSO: maybe it's the bit of german in my genes that makes me think I'm so much better... ispfemme: even though I rule? B Eavi OSO: pffffffft ispfemme: whew ispfemme: ignorance must be bliss B Eavi OSO: hahaha B Eavi OSO: bitch ispfemme: hahha Thank God I napped, I was beginning to depress myself. Atleast I have Dan to make fun of! post comment

My Day [28 Jun 2004|05:17pm] Events: - Woke up - Threw up - Went to work at L&T only to find that they didn't need me today. - Peed in a cup for a drug test - Went to GE to work - Went to a doctor's appt - Went back to work - Came home and I still want to hit the gym Lately I've been working nonstop and depriving myself of sleep. My personal life is in limbo and I don't know what people really want anymore. Basically I don't feel that I can measure up nor will I ever even get close. Atleast I've dropped body fat and a decent amount of weight by working out nearly everyday. This may seem impersonal, but I feel kind of...numb lately. It might be the exhaustion, the dehydration, or my growing dependency on people around me. I seem to be hurting myself more and at the same time, leaving the door wide open for someone else to hurt me again. Maybe it's time for me to take time off for myself and just travel for awhile. I can go to Turkey for free and stay there for a few weeks, or even crash at my cousin's place for a few days up in Massachusetts. Getting away may help heal the damage I'm currently inflicting on myself. I've just been so high strung and irritable again lately and life has lost it's luster to me. The simple things that held my love and admiration are dissolving into the backround as more petty situations take precedence. It's breaking my heart to continue like this so the best option is to relax and let go. I can give all I have and it'll never be enough. I need to nap and then work out. Music:: Radiohead - Talk Show Host post comment

[19 Jun 2004|01:54am] How to make a ispfemme Ingredients: 5 parts competetiveness 3 parts silliness 3 parts empathy Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of fitness and enjoy! Username: Personality cocktail From Go-Quiz.com 2 comments|post comment

[01 Jun 2004|09:00pm] Back at home, back to a place where it's ALMOST normal. Back to where I'm grounded and where I don't have to listen to the masses go on about nothing and trying to impress anyone with anything. The drinking, the ridiculous behavior, the flat out assholes are all far away from me now and I can just sit back and enjoy life once again. And that I have. This summer I'll be working at Lord and Taylor, GE, and hopefully Vitamin World. I signed up at the Sacred Heart gym so I'll be working out a ton as well. I don't feel like writing right now. Music:: Matthew Good Band - Weapon 1 comment|post comment

[26 May 2004|12:00am] I wonder if I get this giddy everytime I come back from Dennis's house. It's not just hanging out with him lately, or making beef jerky for future camp trips, or the hiking or climbing, the action *wink*, or even just laying around; it's the solace knowing that I can actually once again have something really worth while, with real meaning and comfort. I also find comfort in the fact that he hasn't royally fucked me over for something stupid like another relationship of any sort or random petty shit. Coming to the end of the semester, I realized who my real friends weren't. I learned that people crave solitude within one person rather than themselves and that vulnerability is what makes them pathetic in my eyes. I tried so hard to be a friend, to be there, and then I backed off. In the process, I saw one of the ugliest personalities emerge. Not just in the other person, but also in myself. I truly disliked my own friend, this person I once held with high regard, had now meant nothing more than another piece of campus shit. Feeling like that towards someone is so hateful, something that's hard for me to forgive myself for feeling. But I'm also filled with disdain at their actions, their take on the situation, and how they treated me. All I know is that I'm glad to be out of that room, and removed from that situation permanently. I've been home and the people I feel that truly matter the most right now to me include those I rarely contact. I hope most of you know I love you and I promise to get my ass back in gear in no time, I've just been takign care of the house lately since my mother has been away. Cooking, cleaning, and hanging out with my pops are my current priorities. Well that, Tatiana, and Dennis. I'll bounce back soon enough. I never really get the chance to mention what I want about Tatiana so I'll just do it now. Ever meet and keep in contact with a really cool person you didn't really get to know for awhile...maybe even a few years? She was one of those people for a few years in high school up until I got into my car accident. Then one of the most meaningful friendships flourished and for that I could not be more thankful. This is my best friend, away from the campus, away from the drama, back in ol' shelltown where life is normal *well, somewhat*. She's a really cool and laid back chick who appreciates good horror movies, *danzig, willem Dafoe, Henry Rollins, Prince, etc*, and my bad jokes like no other. There's no drama, just alot of dry sarcastic bitch attitude. She keeps me grounded when I'm going off, points out stupid things I do without being a shit about it, and is just a good genuine girl. There's nothing I haven't told her and that's more than a friendship, it's more like having a sister. And if anyone DARE mess with this one, I will go real ultimate on their ass. I guess that's it for now. I updated AFEARD.ORG. GO! Music:: The Flaming Lips - Fight Test post comment

yep [03 May 2004|01:27pm] all about your sex life... Full Name Age your sex personality colour is... white - pure, virgin. you'll probaby fuck.... two orange midgets that look strangely like oompa loompas your favourite sex toy is... a broom stick you will get __# std's. only herpes, good job. This QuickKwiz by cowboysbecamefolkheros - Taken 10053 Times. </a> post comment

Disclaimer! [02 May 2004|04:06pm] Previous journal entry was written as soon as i got out of bed, I was slightly delirious. Music:: Long Since Forgotten - What She Said post comment

nightmare [02 May 2004|11:15am] I went through the dirty plastered glass doors and upon entering the old gas station,I realized there was a small restaurant area. I walked on by the frazzled elderly woman with the spatula towards the bathroom I spotted immediately upon entrance. After doing my business next to a candy dispenser (which was in every stall), I walked on by the lady, two old men playing cards at a table in front of her griddle, and the shelves with dirty old unused products to sell to passerbys. I couldn't understand why such an old place was within 100 yards of the huge event we were at. Zach (orion's younger brother), a girl I knew when I was in kidnergarten, parents I never knew of, and 2 other girls were waiting for me when I strolled back out into the blazing sunset. We started walking towards God knows what when a guy jumped in front of us with a gun, moving us back towards the gas station. This time, when we walked back in, it was just rows of benches. He was screaming out of the girl's names...but I had no idea where she was. Then the questioning began and started with the twins. He started shooting everyone and when he got to me, I faked dead. The bastard still pumped two bullets into my abdomen leaving me wilting in pain. I pulled myself near on of the girls and tried to understand what was happening. The pain got worse and so did my screaming. I woke up begging for help. post comment

that's right modest mouse, keep speaking to my soul [01 May 2004|02:54pm] Modest Mouse - Float On Lyrics I backed my car into a cop car the other day Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say Well you just laughed it off it was all ok And we'll all float on ok And we'll all float on ok And we'll all float on ok And we'll all float on any way well Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands Good news will work its way to all them plans We both got fired on the exactly the same day Well we'll float on good news is on the way And we'll all float on ok And we'll all float on ok And we'll all float on ok And we'll all float on alright Already we'll all float on Now don't worry we'll all float on Alright already we'll all float on Alright don't worry we'll all float on And we'll all float on alright Already we'll all float on Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy we'll all float on alright Already we'll all float on Alright already we'll all float on Ok don't worry we'll all float on Even if things get heavy we'll all float on Alright already we'll all float on Don't you worry we'll all float on All float on Music:: GUESS 2 comments|post comment

[30 Apr 2004|10:42pm] I'm pretty bummed out about being sick yet again this semester. I got hit hard and fast with this one and despite my forcing myself to get things done, I still missed a ridiculous amount of work setting me back atleast 100 dollars for the paycheck. Monday night I was feeling semiqueasy at the gym so I only did an hour of weights and skipped cardio that night so I could relax. Tuesday, I started to feel pretty shitty but I didn't feel much until later in the day at my second job at the registrar's office. I was only there for an hour when i told my boss I had to leave. He said I looked really pale and felt my forehead saying I felt really warm. I came back to my room and fell asleep for awhile before I got up to write a 5 page paper and watch some HBO shows. Wednesday was a bitch and I was in so much pain. I miss every class and work as well. My bed became my sanctuary, providing a comfort to me despite my constant pain. Everytime I moved my head felt like someone was drop kicking it. 6 ibuprofen and some cough drops later...my pain is slightly better for a few hours. Atleast Dennis came over that day and laid around with me for a few hours before we went to bed at 8:30. Best visit ever. Thursday...ohhh you whore. Made it to my 8am class, made it through the first job, missed my meetings and my second job. I went to the infirmary instead and found out my SCAR TISSUE REOPENED AND THERE WERE NICE SIZED ULCERS ON THE BACK OF MY THROAT. No wonder it hurt so much. They don't know what I have but they do suspect a mono relapse YET-FUCKING-AGAIN and confirmed that I do not have strep. They gave me a bottle of 'magic mouthwash' which looks like the scrapings from a backroom of a gay club, all white and cruddy. It's effective as all hell but I need it frequently which sucks. So that brings me to today. I made it to everything today and I napped in between classes. Between yesterday afternoon's naps, last night, and today I slept over 16 hours. I felt okay enough to play Halo with the boys and a little wiffleball before coming back inside for relaxing. This weekend will hold alot of studying for me. So that's basically it. Yep Music:: Jackson 5 - I want you back post comment

[29 Apr 2004|07:54pm] I remember after my car accident there were people there for me, people I never expected to show so much love. Andrew and Laura spending so much time with me despite their busy schedules, going to the 2 skinnie j's show and bringing me a shirt since I couldn't go; rao staying with me and showing me love; vadim coming over to hang out and rape my dsl connection; tatiana bringing me crazy foreign food (that bitch has always been there); rob visiting with his usual antics; keith smith, shawn, and jenn *when we were friends) coming by to see how I was; steve's mom sending me flowers; my cousin sending me a cookie bouquet even though i was always a chubass....I could never forget this. I just wanted to make sure I said thank you so much. <3 you shitheads. Music:: Cornelius - Tsunami *remix* post comment

[28 Apr 2004|12:16am] The only things I'm moving on from and putting in the past are you and your bullshit. Plus the other shit people form my past, all go to hell. That's how it goes, you mean NOTHING to me. 1 comment|post comment

[25 Apr 2004|07:37pm] Ah spring weekend here at Uconn. You never seem to fail to surprise me with such delightful observations of physical self abuse due to alcohol, lost tempers, promuscuity; and the good times that can be had either intoxicated or not. I went out on Friday night after a long day and just walked around Celeron watching friends have a good time. Blake was a spectical as he ran up to each person in his view and wished them to have a GREAT night. Sarah's birthday <3 came along, Glenn making a prank call that was not gratiutus in the least but funny as all hell, Blake finding Omeka, get a snot rocket blown on me, and seeing Sarah with Kevin all made the night. I certainly cannot rule out the serious chick fight IN THE RAIN and in the mud that took place. Vicious and with all the hair pulling going on, National Geographic had nothing on them. Thanks Sarah for that night. Last night Dennis came up and it was somewhat of a rollercoaster up until the very end of the night when we went to bed. We were having an awesome time for a few hours, then not, then again a good time, then some asshole grabbed my tit and I almost murdered him (too bad the Xlot crowd was too big, I would've seriously punched/kicked/torn off his balls), then we were laughing again, then i was pissy....just a strange mixed emotions type of night. When we finally got to bed, we just curled up, the feeling of him against me is brilliantly relieving, so good to know I can still feel this way about someone after all the shit that's been thrown my way. If you've crushed me before, never try to come back again. Fine you realized your mistakes, I'm glad you know what you did was wrong, but your ship has more than sailed, you set it on fire when you did it. We can be friends, sure, but you'll never have my trust again. By the way, last night I saw Schneidy, Zito, Dennis S., and Nate. That completed my weekend alone, so good to see the boys again. Soon enough, we'll hang out this summer in Shelton. NOTE TO WORLD: NEVER GRAB MY TIT UNLESS YOU WANT MACE IN THE FACE. I'M A CRAZY, SOBER, VENGEFUL BITCH. <3 Music:: Piebald - We Believe in Karma 3 comments|post comment

i rule [23 Apr 2004|11:48am] Which OS are You? 1 comment|post comment

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