Echo

things, yep

2004-12-08T20:29:25Z

No, I'm not dead. I'm just studying so much lately. Besides, I started using my myspace.com profile more often now. That's pretty much it for now. I hike more often now with Doug so if anyone elseis up for it,
contact me:

sn:not giving it out online; email me for it at jesslbal@yahoo.com

I still go on as ispfemme but that's rare. I'll try and update this thing more often when the excitement of my mundane life dwindles a bit.

later

ispfemme @ 2004-10-31T16:22:00

2004-10-31T21:23:25Z

I've been climbing atleast once a week now so if anyone is interested in coming with me, send me an email and I'll send you my screenname.

later.

I'm a jerk..

2004-08-29T06:11:22Z

and here's another reason. This was said to my Indian friend today::

ispfemme: fine
ispfemme: then come back
ispfemme: i may be up for cross breeding

Whatever Benson, you love it.

Friday

2004-08-29T06:08:40Z

I was out on calls just repairing systems in the business building up here at Uconn when I had to run up to the Dean's office since his printer was shot. When I got there, I narrowed it down in a few minutes and figured out it was only the toner. After I had changed it and held a good conversation with him, I started to box up the old toner when I noticed a small spot of red on the beautiful finish of his desk.

I hesitated, dreading the situation. The day before I got a small cut from a box I was breaking down since we unpacked about 400 laptops for distribution. The cut had seemed fine the next day so I didn't throw another bandaid on. Big mistake that day. I lifted my hand and saw blood on my fingers and part of my palm. My first instinct was to wipe up the blood with my sleeve but I didn't have long sleeves on so I just lifted my hand into his view and wimpered, "I'M SORRY!" and watched his face go from pleased with the job to indifferent/somewhat shocked. Then I just asked for tissues and he showed me to his private bathroom. I washed off the blood and grabbed more paper towels to clean up the blood from his desk before he could notice. Of course I hurried back, didnt take care of my small wound first, and started mopping up the little drops of blood on his desk. Of course I MADE IT WORSE at first and eventually I cleaned it all. I felt awful. Not a big deal, but I'd like to make a good impression on ANY Dean and that just ruined my chance of that.

By the time I got back to the office it was hardly bleeding. Today it's completely healed. I hate irony, especially when there's a visible scar on my ear from my bday.

Music:: Oasis - Gas Panic

ispfemme @ 2004-08-29T01:11:00

2004-08-29T05:14:42Z

I should make a checklist with things I want in a guy. Let me start:

1. He should not be 100% self-centered.

the end, so far.

I know...

2004-07-13T21:06:51Z

that I'm a pretty determined person, but I think I'm starting to give up on you.

Music:: Frou Frou - Flicks

why i rule

2004-06-28T23:03:13Z

B Eavi OSO: maybe it's the bit of german in my genes that makes me think I'm so much better...
ispfemme: even though I rule?
B Eavi OSO: pffffffft
ispfemme: whew
ispfemme: ignorance must be bliss
B Eavi OSO: hahaha
B Eavi OSO: bitch
ispfemme: hahha

Thank God I napped, I was beginning to depress myself. Atleast I have Dan to make fun of!

My Day

2004-06-28T21:29:53Z

Events:

- Woke up
- Threw up
- Went to work at L&T only to find that they didn't need me today.
- Peed in a cup for a drug test
- Went to GE to work
- Went to a doctor's appt
- Went back to work
- Came home and I still want to hit the gym

Lately I've been working nonstop and depriving myself of sleep. My personal life is in limbo and I don't know what people really want anymore. Basically I don't feel that I can measure up nor will I ever even get close. Atleast I've dropped body fat and a decent amount of weight by working out nearly everyday.

This may seem impersonal, but I feel kind of...numb lately. It might be the exhaustion, the dehydration, or my growing dependency on people around me. I seem to be hurting myself more and at the same time, leaving the door wide open for someone else to hurt me again. Maybe it's time for me to take time off for myself and just travel for awhile. I can go to Turkey for free and stay there for a few weeks, or even crash at my cousin's place for a few days up in Massachusetts. Getting away may help heal the damage I'm currently inflicting on myself. I've just been so high strung and irritable again lately and life has lost it's luster to me. The simple things that held my love and admiration are dissolving into the backround as more petty situations take precedence. It's breaking my heart to continue like this so the best option is to relax and let go.

I can give all I have and it'll never be enough.

I need to nap and then work out.

Music:: Radiohead - Talk Show Host

ispfemme @ 2004-06-19T01:54:00

2004-06-19T05:55:22Z

How to make a ispfemme

Ingredients:

5 parts competetiveness

3 parts silliness

3 parts empathy

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of fitness and enjoy!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

ispfemme @ 2004-06-01T21:00:00

2004-06-02T01:41:14Z

Back at home, back to a place where it's ALMOST normal. Back to where I'm grounded and where I don't have to listen to the masses go on about nothing and trying to impress anyone with anything. The drinking, the ridiculous behavior, the flat out assholes are all far away from me now and I can just sit back and enjoy life once again. And that I have.

This summer I'll be working at Lord and Taylor, GE, and hopefully Vitamin World. I signed up at the Sacred Heart gym so I'll be working out a ton as well.

I don't feel like writing right now.

Music:: Matthew Good Band - Weapon

ispfemme @ 2004-05-26T00:00:00

2004-05-26T04:39:51Z

I wonder if I get this giddy everytime I come back from Dennis's house. It's not just hanging out with him lately, or making beef jerky for future camp trips, or the hiking or climbing, the action *wink*, or even just laying around; it's the solace knowing that I can actually once again have something really worth while, with real meaning and comfort. I also find comfort in the fact that he hasn't royally fucked me over for something stupid like another relationship of any sort or random petty shit.

Coming to the end of the semester, I realized who my real friends weren't. I learned that people crave solitude within one person rather than themselves and that vulnerability is what makes them pathetic in my eyes. I tried so hard to be a friend, to be there, and then I backed off. In the process, I saw one of the ugliest personalities emerge. Not just in the other person, but also in myself. I truly disliked my own friend, this person I once held with high regard, had now meant nothing more than another piece of campus shit. Feeling like that towards someone is so hateful, something that's hard for me to forgive myself for feeling. But I'm also filled with disdain at their actions, their take on the situation, and how they treated me. All I know is that I'm glad to be out of that room, and removed from that situation permanently.

I've been home and the people I feel that truly matter the most right now to me include those I rarely contact. I hope most of you know I love you and I promise to get my ass back in gear in no time, I've just been takign care of the house lately since my mother has been away. Cooking, cleaning, and hanging out with my pops are my current priorities. Well that, Tatiana, and Dennis. I'll bounce back soon enough.

I never really get the chance to mention what I want about Tatiana so I'll just do it now. Ever meet and keep in contact with a really cool person you didn't really get to know for awhile...maybe even a few years? She was one of those people for a few years in high school up until I got into my car accident. Then one of the most meaningful friendships flourished and for that I could not be more thankful. This is my best friend, away from the campus, away from the drama, back in ol' shelltown where life is normal *well, somewhat*. She's a really cool and laid back chick who appreciates good horror movies, *danzig, willem Dafoe, Henry Rollins, Prince, etc*, and my bad jokes like no other. There's no drama, just alot of dry sarcastic bitch attitude. She keeps me grounded when I'm going off, points out stupid things I do without being a shit about it, and is just a good genuine girl. There's nothing I haven't told her and that's more than a friendship, it's more like having a sister. And if anyone DARE mess with this one, I will go real ultimate on their ass.

I guess that's it for now. I updated AFEARD.ORG. GO!

Music:: The Flaming Lips - Fight Test

yep

2004-05-03T17:27:41Z

Disclaimer!

2004-05-02T20:07:57Z

Previous journal entry was written as soon as i got out of bed, I was slightly delirious.

Music:: Long Since Forgotten - What She Said

nightmare

2004-05-02T15:25:06Z

I went through the dirty plastered glass doors and upon entering the old gas station,I realized there was a small restaurant area. I walked on by the frazzled elderly woman with the spatula towards the bathroom I spotted immediately upon entrance. After doing my business next to a candy dispenser (which was in every stall), I walked on by the lady, two old men playing cards at a table in front of her griddle, and the shelves with dirty old unused products to sell to passerbys. I couldn't understand why such an old place was within 100 yards of the huge event we were at.

Zach (orion's younger brother), a girl I knew when I was in kidnergarten, parents I never knew of, and 2 other girls were waiting for me when I strolled back out into the blazing sunset. We started walking towards God knows what when a guy jumped in front of us with a gun, moving us back towards the gas station. This time, when we walked back in, it was just rows of benches. He was screaming out of the girl's names...but I had no idea where she was. Then the questioning began and started with the twins. He started shooting everyone and when he got to me, I faked dead. The bastard still pumped two bullets into my abdomen leaving me wilting in pain. I pulled myself near on of the girls and tried to understand what was happening.

The pain got worse and so did my screaming.

I woke up begging for help.

that's right modest mouse, keep speaking to my soul

2004-05-01T18:55:46Z

Modest Mouse - Float On Lyrics
I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on the exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't worry we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy
we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Don't you worry we'll all float on
All float on

Music:: GUESS

ispfemme @ 2004-04-30T22:42:00

2004-05-01T02:56:11Z

I'm pretty bummed out about being sick yet again this semester. I got hit hard and fast with this one and despite my forcing myself to get things done, I still missed a ridiculous amount of work setting me back atleast 100 dollars for the paycheck.

Monday night I was feeling semiqueasy at the gym so I only did an hour of weights and skipped cardio that night so I could relax. Tuesday, I started to feel pretty shitty but I didn't feel much until later in the day at my second job at the registrar's office. I was only there for an hour when i told my boss I had to leave. He said I looked really pale and felt my forehead saying I felt really warm. I came back to my room and fell asleep for awhile before I got up to write a 5 page paper and watch some HBO shows.

Wednesday was a bitch and I was in so much pain. I miss every class and work as well. My bed became my sanctuary, providing a comfort to me despite my constant pain. Everytime I moved my head felt like someone was drop kicking it. 6 ibuprofen and some cough drops later...my pain is slightly better for a few hours. Atleast Dennis came over that day and laid around with me for a few hours before we went to bed at 8:30. Best visit ever.

Thursday...ohhh you whore. Made it to my 8am class, made it through the first job, missed my meetings and my second job. I went to the infirmary instead and found out my SCAR TISSUE REOPENED AND THERE WERE NICE SIZED ULCERS ON THE BACK OF MY THROAT. No wonder it hurt so much. They don't know what I have but they do suspect a mono relapse YET-FUCKING-AGAIN and confirmed that I do not have strep. They gave me a bottle of 'magic mouthwash' which looks like the scrapings from a backroom of a gay club, all white and cruddy. It's effective as all hell but I need it frequently which sucks.

So that brings me to today. I made it to everything today and I napped in between classes. Between yesterday afternoon's naps, last night, and today I slept over 16 hours. I felt okay enough to play Halo with the boys and a little wiffleball before coming back inside for relaxing. This weekend will hold alot of studying for me.

So that's basically it.

Yep

Music:: Jackson 5 - I want you back

ispfemme @ 2004-04-29T19:54:00

2004-04-29T23:59:59Z

I remember after my car accident there were people there for me, people I never expected to show so much love. Andrew and Laura spending so much time with me despite their busy schedules, going to the 2 skinnie j's show and bringing me a shirt since I couldn't go; rao staying with me and showing me love; vadim coming over to hang out and rape my dsl connection; tatiana bringing me crazy foreign food (that bitch has always been there); rob visiting with his usual antics; keith smith, shawn, and jenn *when we were friends) coming by to see how I was; steve's mom sending me flowers; my cousin sending me a cookie bouquet even though i was always a chubass....I could never forget this.

I just wanted to make sure I said thank you so much.

<3 you shitheads.

Music:: Cornelius - Tsunami *remix*

ispfemme @ 2004-04-28T00:16:00

2004-04-28T04:19:30Z

The only things I'm moving on from and putting in the past are you and your bullshit. Plus the other shit people form my past, all go to hell.

That's how it goes, you mean NOTHING to me.

ispfemme @ 2004-04-25T19:37:00

2004-04-25T23:53:58Z

Ah spring weekend here at Uconn. You never seem to fail to surprise me with such delightful observations of physical self abuse due to alcohol, lost tempers, promuscuity; and the good times that can be had either intoxicated or not. I went out on Friday night after a long day and just walked around Celeron watching friends have a good time. Blake was a spectical as he ran up to each person in his view and wished them to have a GREAT night. Sarah's birthday <3 came along, Glenn making a prank call that was not gratiutus in the least but funny as all hell, Blake finding Omeka, get a snot rocket blown on me, and seeing Sarah with Kevin all made the night. I certainly cannot rule out the serious chick fight IN THE RAIN and in the mud that took place. Vicious and with all the hair pulling going on, National Geographic had nothing on them.

Thanks Sarah for that night.

Last night Dennis came up and it was somewhat of a rollercoaster up until the very end of the night when we went to bed. We were having an awesome time for a few hours, then not, then again a good time, then some asshole grabbed my tit and I almost murdered him (too bad the Xlot crowd was too big, I would've seriously punched/kicked/torn off his balls), then we were laughing again, then i was pissy....just a strange mixed emotions type of night. When we finally got to bed, we just curled up, the feeling of him against me is brilliantly relieving, so good to know I can still feel this way about someone after all the shit that's been thrown my way.

If you've crushed me before, never try to come back again. Fine you realized your mistakes, I'm glad you know what you did was wrong, but your ship has more than sailed, you set it on fire when you did it. We can be friends, sure, but you'll never have my trust again.

By the way, last night I saw Schneidy, Zito, Dennis S., and Nate. That completed my weekend alone, so good to see the boys again. Soon enough, we'll hang out this summer in Shelton.

NOTE TO WORLD: NEVER GRAB MY TIT UNLESS YOU WANT MACE IN THE FACE. I'M A CRAZY, SOBER, VENGEFUL BITCH.

<3

Music:: Piebald - We Believe in Karma

i rule

2004-04-23T15:46:43Z

Which OS are You?

ispfemme @ 2004-04-22T12:07:00

2004-04-22T16:10:06Z

By the way, best thig happened at the meeting last night.

/Us being approached by a Fish Team member *the normal drug free kids*

"uh hey guys, if you have nothing planned for tomorrow night we're chilling here for a movie and having a barbeque outside"

/russ and his pussy posse of non meat eaters (vegans

"uh sorry dude, we're vegans"

"Well that's completely okay, we have turkey burgers!!!"

/silence followed by my asshole giggling.

Yeah well I found it entertaining.

Anothe reminder

2004-04-22T16:02:47Z

Mr. Saluti,

You remind WHY Italians are the greasiest being on this earth.

Affectionately,

Me

ispfemme @ 2004-04-22T07:44:00

2004-04-22T11:45:18Z

I think my ass is making me pay for the way I've been working my glutes lately. I'm walking around like someone slipped me a one eyed surprise, cheeks upright and stiff. But I must say, THANK YOU Lightning Bolt for bringing me good music to listen to after hearing the faint sound of "smack tham bitches asses" rap coming from another girl's headphones.

Thank you thank you shalom. *for Nate*

Music:: Lightning Bolt - Assasins

a friendly reminder

2004-04-22T00:19:07Z

UCONN HAS NO HOUSING! DO NOT APPLY HERE! STOP IT.

reading class sucked for a reason

2004-04-21T19:09:38Z

All I can say today is "well shit." I had this weird anxiety attack last night at 2am when I had a flood of memories from middle school rush over me all at once. I haven't though about these things for years, it didn't even take much effort.

I was going through a really tough time with body image when I was 12, far worse than anything I have now. That coupled with my parents fighting more frequently, being 12 in general, and the kids in school who were just beyond cruel *but most are now dropouts or drug addicts so I guess karma is a bitch eh?*, it all was building up. I frequented the school counselor's office since I found solace in talking to her (I've known her since I was 5) and I found myself eating my lunch there rather than conversing with the kids in my class. As the year wore on, I became less social and more volatile to myself.

One of things that pushed these feelings and my behavior is still quite unsettling. A certain reading teacher *cough tuccio cough* was, in the simplest of terms, a rotten son of a bitch. He was already well known for freaking out on students, (i.e. kicking desks, throwing chairs, ripping up papers, screaming at the top of his lungs) and on of his ways of venting frustration was to mock my troubles. I was in tears almost everyday after hearing "well why don't you go to the counselor's office and cry to her about that!" He also said this after I missed a few days of school because a close family relative died. The shit that came out of this man's mouth, I could kick the living shit out of him for. I wonder, to this day if he has been fired or atleast counseled in some way about his behavior. This guy is a serious nutjob and I blame the city of Shelton for not doing a better job of screening their teachers.

I mean really, some kids are dickheads, yes. But guess what? Most are a product of your approach, your behavior, and your restrictions placed upon them. Most are really good kids, but for some blasphemous reason chewing gum is breaking more than just any law, it's equivalent to murder. To me, this guy is a loser because he saught out approval from my peers by tearing at the ones he considered losers (which i pretty much was) and smiling at the popular kids. It was a completely blatant misuse of authority and I'll never forgive him. If I were to see him in a dark alley alone consider his balls permanently bruised from the brute force of my foot.

I can't believe I forgot all of this, but I know why I blocked it out. I was still going through my phase of abusing my body and going through emotional bouts when my father had an aneurysm a few months into my 8th grade year. Right in front of me. No wonder why I've become so emotionally responsive and react so negativly towards others. It's my natural defense and prevents me from being hurt in the way I was for years. I'll never allow another human being treat me like that again because I'll never be that weak again. So many things have kicked in in the past few days and I feel like a wild animal.

It feels really good knowing I can look someone in the eye without being afraid and them knowing to step the fuck off.

Hell yeah.

Bitch

all about your sex life...
Full Name
Age
your sex personality colour is...	white - pure, virgin.
you'll probaby fuck....	two orange midgets that look strangely like oompa loompas
your favourite sex toy is...	a broom stick
you will get __# std's.	only herpes, good job.

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